


Six Sessions

by Drugedbyalex



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Family, Heavy Angst, Romance, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-30 00:24:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10865211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drugedbyalex/pseuds/Drugedbyalex
Summary: It's been nearly a year since Alex Danvers lost what she considered her everything, and it was only nearly a year after did she decide to take her own life. Kara had caught her in the act though, and now everyone's asking why? Why a year later? These 6 sessions, Astra (National City's best therapist) tries to answer that golden question.





	1. How We Met.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I'm experiencing major writers block on the other fics I'm working on, and this is sort of a filler fic, I'm trying to break the creative block I'm in, and this is like something so tragically sad that's been stuck in my head, and I just want to get it out. I'm going to be a little brutal in this fic. Like, make you cry brutal, cause I don't know. I've been wanting to write something tragic for a while. So I hope you like it. 
> 
> As for the way I'm writing this story, I think you'll get the hang of it after chapter 3. The italics in the beginning and end will make more sense as the chapters go on, and just if you get confused they're Alex's POV.

_Love. I never believed in that shit. We seem to forget how powerless love can make us once we fall in it. We forget that- like everything in our universe- love is limited. There's nothing that's timeless except for limitations. Everything ends; oblivion is inevitable, and life - as we know it - will turn to dust._

_I knew that you knew that; we all did. And, yet, you still managed to make me believe in this thing you call 'love'. It was everything to you. To me it was torture. Loving you hurt, and still loving you. Well, that hurts a lot more._

_I have only myself to blame, and my wreck-less effort at shutting you out. Of course, you're at fault too. You didn't give up on me. You kept pursuing me, and I kept bending at your will. Even if I knew, I was probably setting myself up for failure._

_But damn your eyes, and damn your lips, and damn the way you made me fall for you. You made me see the light when I was perfectly clear that I belonged in the dark. I always have, but you kept shining your light on me._

_And; the little infinity I got to spend with you was my only source of acceptance. My only sense of purpose; So, I hope you can forgive me, for falling back into my old ways, for falling apart without you. Because I'll try to find it in me to forgive you for what you've done to me. I'll try to forgive you for being selfish._

* * *

**Session 1**  

_359 days after;_

"Alex?" Her therapist had repeated for what seemed like the millionth time.

It wasn't odd for her to zone out. It wasn't obscure, or out of character. She'd been like this for weeks now, weeks before the incident that changed it all, and now weeks after. It was only luck that gave her a second chance. It was only luck that had Kara bargaining into her room before she could swallow the sea of pills she had collected in an attempt to overdose. And, even then, lucky wasn't an appropriate word to describe it.

It was becoming too much for her. Actually, it was the fact that there were only a handful of things she cared about- too little, unfortunately- that made it feel like it was too much to handle. The emptiness was suffocating; hardly tolerable, let alone something you could afford to live with.

"Alex?"

Astra tried to break her out of her horrid state, and bring her back to reality, and it was only after the third time she heard her name being uttered from foreign lips did she blink her eyes, and shift uncomfortably on the sofa that was supposed to provide her comfort.

The therapist sighed noticing how Alex insisted she wouldn't talk and seeing as how it's been almost 30 minutes of their one-hour session with no words exchanged other than the casual shrug she replied with, it wouldn't surprise her if she did accomplish not saying anything. Alex was a determined young woman; she'll give her that.

"You're going to have to talk," she started, trying to pry Alex's eyes away from her fingers. The younger woman lifted her eyes, and bloodshot red they were. "Eventually."

Astra whispered out. She was no stranger to this kind of behavior, the 'You can't make me' kind of behavior, the kind that refuses to accept reality. The kind that heart breaks effects so evidently flourish.

"You know, you have a pretty rough history, Alex.” She flipped through the papers in her hand.

A collected file of Alex Danvers’s multiple visits to psychiatric hospitals, trauma patient facilities, group therapies, and even rehab. The saddest part about her file wasn’t the fact that she’d been emitted to all these health care institutions; it was the fact that it had started ever since she was 7. It was the fact that it had carried on till she was 19.

One bad thing after the other; like a never-ending streak of bad luck, and it was the final straw that happened nearly a year ago that completely broke her.

Alex averted her eyes away from Astra. She had years of experience on her hands, years of visiting all types of mental health doctors. She knew how they often tried to poke through your head, how they tried to see what’s inside, and how they tried to ‘help you’ or ‘fix you’ as if you were a broken car, that enters a garage whenever damaged, and comes back out looking brand new; not a single scratch on, but she wasn’t a mechanical machine. She was human, a complex human. Astra knew that just from the thick file in her hands.

“Do you feel guilty, Alex?” Astra tried once more, looking into her eyes for any sign of emotion. Be it pain, anger, or even hatred, anything. Alex only scoffed, shaking her head and looked away.

“Fine, then.” She whispered. “If you won’t start talking, I will.” She set the papers in her hand down. “Vicky Donoghue.”

Alex’s eyes shot straight at Astra. She hadn’t heard that name in years. Astra noticed the slight hitch in her breath at the mere mention of her name. She wondered what would the second name she had on the edge of her lips make her do.

“You remember her, don’t you? The girl who lived next door to you in Midvale, you guys went to the same school. How old was she, when it happened?” She stopped antagonizing her for a few seconds, noticing her rhythmic tapping, and her twitchiness.

“You were seven, I believe. When ‘the accident’ happened? It’s what you called it isn’t it?”

“Stop,”

“Why? Tell me, Alex. Why should I stop? Do you care? Do you feel responsible for her death?”

“You don’t know shit!” She hissed pushing herself to the very edge of the couch. Her eyes laced with anger.

Astra had a portion of a smirk on her lips. Finally, she got some kind of emotion out of her. She kept her eyes on her, waiting for more backlash. Alex knew how to control herself -a little too well- it’s what made it hard to read her. She buried her emotions so deep inside; you couldn’t tell what she was feeling. That created a wall between her and Astra. The older woman was happy to finally see her utter a few words. Finally, there was a tiny crack in that huge wall.

“You don’t know anything,” Alex hissed.

“No, I don’t,” She pushed herself forward. “So, why don’t you tell me? Do you feel responsible?” She asked her again. Alex’s attire to tired to fight back, and after very long minutes a soft reply was muttered.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I just stood there.” She yelled angry with herself. “She was dying, and I just stood there. I watched her die. I keep-,” She stopped herself, biting her lip.

“You keep what?”

Alex let her lips go. It was no secret; the tragic tale of Vicky Donoghue’s death. It was supposed to be innocent, that one fleeting hour they’d spent together skipping from rock to rock across the stream, in the forest, somewhere around their houses, it was supposed to be just an innocent play date.

Unfortunately, it turned into a tragic, criminal, injustice death when Vicky slipped and hit her head against one of the rocks. She’d hit it so hard, her skull bashed open, and blood gushed out. Alex stood frozen in her place after seeing that. She was only seven, and the gory view in front of her didn’t help her courage at all. Hours past until their parents had come looking for her, they found her curled on the floor, black under eyes, blood on her hands, and tears streaming down her face.

She had to face a lawsuit at the age seven, she was almost convicted guilty, and she became a trauma patient. People called her a murderer, a sociopath, at school she was given looks, no one wanted to be her friend after that day. So, that’s when her parents picked up and left Midvale to National City, and adopted Kara.

They hoped that maybe having a sister would make her more social, and for a few years Kara and Alex became inseparable, Alex wasn’t as isolated, but then high school came around, and the horror of Vicky’s death had followed her, somehow people found out, and the kids at school began targeting her again. Although Kara had tried to defend her time and time, it left her being called a sociopath too.

Alex hated that, so she distanced herself once again, and for years later she’d stayed isolated. The more Kara tried to get close to her sister, the more she pushed herself away. Until, eventually, Kara had to give up. Alex was too headstrong to defeat, and Kara had tried everything in her power to break down the wall she was building but she couldn’t. She was iced cold, along with her parents.

“People- They- around me, people keep dying.” Alex sighed heavily staring at her fingers. “Nobody needs me.”

“People?” Astra took note of that. “Who are these people, Alex?”

Alex looked at her, her lips quivering, opening the slightest bit then shutting without a single word being uttered. Astra knew exactly who these ‘people’ were, and she knew it was just one person. She knew it was the person. She knew that- that person was the final straw,

“You mean, Maggie Sawyer?” Alex’s heart stopped beating. For a second, she was crippled, and her eyes over fled with water she refused to let fall. “You watched her die too, didn’t you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She rushed to shove the memory of her away. She wanted to get that damn smile out of her mind, she wanted her out of her life, out of her system, but it’s been a year, and she was still there, lingering on the outskirts of her shattered heart. She was still gripping on to her, hard. Even if there was nothing she could physically hold on to, Maggie was still hovering in her.

“Okay,” Astra saw how Alex was slowly crippling. “We won’t talk about how it ended.”

Alex stared at her confused. Astra smiled softly. She knew this was a sore spot for her, but they had to talk about it, be it the worst times, or the best. They had to talk about what she was holding on to and not letting go. They had to talk about the reason she tried to take her own life away.

“How bout you tell me how it all began? How you met?”

* * *

_**~ Flashback ~** _

It was just a normal day, a day like any other. She had just finished her therapy session. No progress really, it was just something she had to do, like going to school after the 7th grade. It’s not really accommodating once you got the basics down. It was just something that was obligatory.

She was sitting on one of the lobby chairs, her feet tucked towards her, while she rested her sketchbook on her lap. Drawing was her only escape from reality when she drew she always took herself to a different world; a different universe, where people didn’t call her names, and she wasn’t so alone; A place where she felt at peace.

She was engaged in her own world when Maggie first approached her, sketching away as she waited for Kara, or Eliza to pick her up. She only ever noticed someone in front of her when a shadow blocked her light.

“That’s amazing.” She’d said with a smile.

Alex raised her eyes from her sketchbook for a second. She had to swallow thickly, not once since her freshman year as a high schooler did someone around her age approach her with something nice to say, and it wasn’t just the fact that this person was young. It was that smile, that dimpled, innocent, soft smile. Alex didn’t know how to answer, so she just went back to her sketch convinced that with time this strange figure would walk away.

“It’s pretty dark though,” the same stranger decided to take a seat next to her. Her smile still plastered on her lips.

“Life’s pretty dark.” She casually said. It caused the stranger to smirk.

“You’re Kara’s sister, Alex right?” Alex’s eyes flipped from her sketchbook to the brown orbs before her.

“Yeah,”

Then it hit her. She wasn’t a stranger. She’d seen her before, around school, lurking in the hallway whenever she left class when Kara came home sometimes with her lab partners and friends to finish a project. She’d seen her. She was the new kid at school and Kara’s new Chemistry lab partner. The one who always smiled at her as she left their home, or saw her in the school hallway. Maybe she didn’t hear the gossip that’s being said about her, yet. Maybe that’s why she was talking to her.

“You’re stark contrasts, huh?” she chuckled.

“So I’m told.”

“Kind of like day and night,” She still kept a grin, Alex shifted in her seat. She didn’t know how she was supposed to act, but from what she knows no one like’s the night.

“If you’re looking for Kara, she’s not here.”

Maggie chuckled, “I wasn’t looking for anyone. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Why?” she looked at her confused.

“Kara may be the sun between you two, but I kind of like the dark. It’s mysterious.” Alex’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion again, which only made Maggie chuckled.

“Maggie!” she heard her aunt call her, she looked back and nodded, then stared back at Alex standing up.

“I’m Maggie by the way.” She adjusted her pack bag before walking backwards with a dimpled smile still flexed across her lips. “See you around, Danvers.”

**_~ End of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“You saw her again didn’t you?”

“Everyday after school for a whole year, we didn’t exchange much, but she was the only person to ever talk to me.” Alex bit her lip. “She always left me with a ‘See you around, Danvers’. It-it’s like I can still hear it.”

Alex stared vulnerably at Astra, her lips bruised from how tightly she bit down on it. “Like I can still hear her voice.”

“Is that what you heard when you took those pills?”

Alex swallowed thickly, and Astra knew what that meant. She knew that Alex was still finding it hard to accept that Maggie was gone. She knew that Alex was still struggling to let her go, almost a year later and she still heard her voice.

Most people forget what they sound like at this stage; most people forget how they smell like. Alex wasn’t most people; she was a special case, a traumatized child, who was now a traumatized teenager. She feels guilt and pain, constant guilt and pain. And now with the one person who talked to her like she was just a normal person gone, she felt like she was suffocating again.

“When did you talk to her again?”

* * *

_**~ Flashback ~** _

“Alex, can you please drop Maggie off at her place?” Kara had barged into her older sister’s room after she’d finished with her project.

Normally she was the one to drop Maggie back at her place, but for some reason, she thought it would be okay if Alex could drop her off so she could take a quick shower before bed. Knowing Alex she wouldn’t have had anything to do, she’d just be sketching in her room, and that was exactly what she was doing when both Kara and Maggie walked in.

“I’m busy, Kara.” She coldly pushed her, Kara had to restrain herself from shaking her sister awake.

“It’s just a twenty-minute drive.”

“You take her then, she’s your friend.”

“Come on, Alex. I never ask you for anything can’t you do this one thing for me?” she asked frustrated. Alex’s eyes stayed focused on her sketchpad.

“Like I said, I’m busy.”

Kara snapped at that point, she slammed her hand on Alex’s desk forcing her to look at her. She’d been acting like this all year long, and last year. Suddenly, she just distanced herself from her, like Kara was a Band-Aid she ripped off.

“Did I do something to you?” She whispered in a broken hissed tone, Alex put her pencil down, but she never turned to look at her sister. “Why are you acting like this?”

Still, Alex didn’t answer her, she stayed silent like a rock, and Maggie could feel the tension all the way from the doorframe. She cleared her throat until Kara looked at her.

“If it’s a lot of trouble, I could just Uber, or maybe even walk.”

“Don’t be silly, Alex will drop you.” She said with a tight smile, she placed her car keys on Alex’s desk. “If you won’t talk to me, maybe you could talk to her.” She whispered, and then left.

Alex sighed, her back still facing Maggie who was almost sure she’ll end up walking home. That was until Alex picked up the keys reluctantly, and grabbed her jacket from the rack behind the door. Without saying anything they both entered Kara’s car with no words.

“You don’t have to drive me home if it’s too much trouble I really could just walk.”

“It’s fine,” Alex said, and with that, they left her home.

Maggie kept her eyes on Alex, as she occasionally told her the way. She watched how it was so easy for her to keep quiet, to push down how much it was hurting her how Kara’s been rough with her lately. She’d been in the background for quite a while now. She could tell they were having some family feud thing, or sibling rivalry or whatever you call it. She saw the way their eyes hurt whenever they were near each other, and she’d asked about Alex a lot.

With her door always closed, and punk rock music mumbling from the other side, she couldn’t help but ask Kara about her sister. “Alex can be frustrating sometimes.” Kara had told her once when she noticed that she’d been staring too intently at Alex’s door, and her keep out signs.

From the couple nights, she’d stayed over for dinner and Eliza’s few stories about her daughters. She knew that when they were younger they were close. She wished she could help them; that’s why she insisted Kara let Alex drop her off today. She wanted to talk to her, but it was harder than she had expected. Alex had kept quiet all the 20 minutes to her house. It was only when she’d parked her car, and stared out the window did she say anything.

“This it?”

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded, as she adjusted her bag on her shoulder, she went for the door handle but stopped before leaving.

“She cares about you, you know?”

Alex stared at Maggie confused, as the shorter woman smiled softly gazing at her own fingers. “Kara, she’s just angry with herself. That’s why she’s always mad at you,” she stared at Alex.

“She thinks she’s a bad sister, and she wishes she could help you. She just wants you to have more friends, that’s why she’s making you do this.”

Alex closed her eyes and sighed heavily, it makes a bit more sense now. “I don’t want friends. I keep telling her that.”

“Then, maybe just let her in again?” She told her, as she got out of the car. She smiled staring back in. “Give her a chance, Alex. She’s your sister. You’ll be surprised how much she can handle.”

Alex didn’t really know what to say to that. Her lips had gone dry, and her brain stopped functioning for a moment because maybe Maggie was on to something. Was it really a good thing that she was pushing Kara away? The only reason she did what she did was to keep her from getting hurt, but instead, she was hurting her. That was the first time anyone has opened her eyes to what she was doing. Alex had watched until Maggie entered her house, her words still playing in her head. She was right, just like she always will be.

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“Did you talk to Kara afterwards?”

“I wasn’t as cold as I used to be.” She confessed with sad eyes. “I hadn’t thought about how things were for Kara. To her, it seemed like I just abandoned her. I didn’t mean to do that.”

“But you did. Why did you?”

Astra watched as Alex played with her fingers before she let her mouth open again. “I know what it’s like to feel alienated, called dirty names, hated on. I didn’t want Kara to have to suffer through that. She’d already lost so much before our parents took her in. I thought she had enough pain from her past to last a lifetime.”

“Maggie opened your eyes though, didn’t she? She helped you see that it wasn’t right what you were doing.”

“Maggie.” Alex had to hold her tears back. That name hadn’t rolled on her tongue from a very long time. “She was the best part of me.”

* * *

 

_And, it may be selfish of me to want to take a shortcut, and leave this hell hall, but how can I stay, how can I stay when you’re all I think about? How can I stay if breathing hurts?_

_I always knew love could be cruel, I knew it could hurt, maybe even kill. I just didn’t think it could hurt this much. It’s like when you’re drowning. It’s like I’m drowning; like twelve different anchors were pulling me down. And I’ve reached the bottomless pit of the cold, dark, blue oceans, and I know I’m dying, but I still try to breathe. Even if I’m way past the point of saving, even if I can no longer see anything beyond the surface of the water, I still try to breathe, as if oxygen will magically appear, but it never does._

_I’m stuck in this loophole, I feel you pulling me under, I feel like there’s nothing left for me beyond the surface. I know you didn’t want this for me, but I can’t live on without you._

_It’s been a year, and I can still hear your voice, I can still see your smile, I can still smell what you smelt like. I’m supposed to forget, aren’t I? I’m supposed to stop remembering, So why am I?_


	2. The Bucket List.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's chapter 2, I hope you like it! Next chapter should be out in about the same time. Comment & Kudos. <3

  
_I can’t make sense of it all. I can’t stomach the fact that you’re gone. How are people supposed to get over the fact that someone they knew, someone they cared for, someone they saw every day is no longer a part of the same world you are? How will that ever sink in?_

_You can’t open your eyes to them anymore; you can’t start up conversations, or have silly useless fights anymore. You can’t feel them, hear them, or see them._

_They’re just a part of your imagination now, just a part of a memory, a memory that could fade away. They’re nothing now, or that’s what they’re supposed to be._

_I hate that you’re not ‘nothing’ to me. I hate that I can still see a figment of you when I wake up every morning, I hate that I see you in my dreams, I hate that I hear you, in my head._

_I hate that I can’t forget you._

* * *

**Session 2**

_360 days after._

“How do you feel, Alex?”

“How do I feel?”

She asked as if it was such an alienated perception as if it was expected that she didn’t feel anything, as if her feelings were invalid. She had such cold eyes as Astra tried to crawl through the tiny crack on her wall, she was almost sure feeling was nowhere to be found in her dictionary. It was still hard to get her to talk. Alex knew when to keep her mouth shut, and Astra knew she had to wrench everything out of her.

Death can have such a grave effect on people. Experiencing the loss of someone once can be damaging, but twice? That’s destruction, and Alex was absolutely destroyed. She was beyond fragile, or delicate. She was broken, and even past that point.

Astra could tell from her red eyes and the way she smiled cruelly at every essence of concern she laid on her. The way her lips twitched and her feet couldn’t help but tap the floor relentlessly, counting the minutes till the hour was over.

She smiled sarcastically, “How do I feel?” she repeated, and then brushed her fingers through her hair, a grumpy chuckle escaping her lips. “Let’s put it this way.” She turned to face Astra, making sure her eyes gazed into hers.

“It hurts to breathe.”

Her voice quivered, and her breath shook. Astra could see the pain behind her eyes from miles away. She could see the agony scratching into her veins, and she didn’t even have to try.

“I’m sure it does. I think I wouldn’t be able to breathe too if I was in your place.”

“But you’re not.”

“Are you mad at that?”

“Mad?” she looked at her as if Astra had just insulted her. “I’m not mad. I am pissed off.”

“At who?” Alex stiffened.

She didn’t know herself. All she knew was the anger that swam so easily in her. All she knew was the hatred that overtook her body. All she knew was the pain, and suffering she was going through. She didn’t have time to think about whom she was mad at. Surviving through the pain was difficult as it is, she didn’t have time to figure out whom to blame it on.

“I-I don’t know.” She whispered Astra nodded.

“I think,” she began trying to seek Alex’s eyes, she only continued on speaking when Alex faced her. “I think you’re angry with yourself because you’re angry at her.” Alex looked away gloomily.

“You told me that Maggie was the best part of you. I think you feel lost now that the best part of you; is no longer a part of you.”

“How come I still feel her then? Why is she still-,” She grabbed onto her hair tightly. “Why is she still in my head?”

“Because you’re trapping her there. You’re keeping her locked inside. You think that if you stop talking about her, that if you just-,” Alex looked at Astra. “If you never mention her again, that she’ll fade away.”

“It doesn’t work like that. She’s not going anywhere, Alex. Not if you keep holding on to her.”

“And you want me to talk about her.” She said with a sarcastic tone. There was a reason she didn’t talk about her. Why do all these therapists think that talking is the answer it’s not, she thought.

“What good would that do? It’s not going to bring her back?” Her voice cracked at the end.

“No, but it’ll help you accept that she’s gone.”

“What if I don’t want to accept it?”

“Is that what Maggie would’ve wanted?”

Alex swallowed thickly after that because of course that’s not what she wanted, and Astra knew that. She knew that it was taunting her. That it was murdering her insides slowly. Maggie wasn’t supposed to leave this effect on her; she wasn’t supposed to destroy her.

“Talking about her doesn’t mean you have to dwell on her last days.” Alex kept her eyes on the floor. “I know nothing’s going to bring her back. I know you feel like she left a hole in your heart-,”

“Hole?” she questioned offended. She shook her head with a heart-wrenching chuckle on the background of her voice. “No, no. What she left me with, it’s not a hole.”

“It’s a god damn tornado. It’s like- like I’m being sucked into this violent vortex of winds because that’s who Maggie was. She was intoxicating and beautiful. And she left you questioning your life; she left you feeling guilty for not pushing yourself to the very best version of you, you can be. And she was … beautiful; in every version.”

Alex’s breath hitched at the very end, Astra saw how maybe that was the first time Alex had defended Maggie since she passed away. It left Alex surprised with the words coming out of her mouth. It left her shaken to the core, how she could still care, even after death separated them, even after the worst happened.

“Are you telling me that you have nothing good to remember her by?” Astra tried to pry deeper into her brain. Alex’s bottom lip quivered, as she readjusted herself on the couch.

“She left me with too many good memories, and now because of that-,” Alex’s eyes bore into Astra’s. “I can’t see anything good without her.”

“What’s your favorite memory?”

Alex hardened at the question, a slight side-smile appearing on the outskirts of her lips. “The dance. Kara dragged me to go. From then on things just shifted.”

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

"Am I dreaming?" Alex heard her voice approaching her from behind, and the clicks of her heels vibrating her skin just as much as the floor.

Before she could even turn around and paralyze from how absolutely gorgeous she looked, her voice alone made her shiver. She turned around just in time to witness her gorgeous dimples flourish on her face.

"Or is Alex Danvers actually attending a high school dance?" She smirked.

Alex found herself at a loss for words, her heart beating rapidly. Maggie was absolutely stunning. Hell, she was damn gorgeous, and she left Alex searching for a way to breathe with that breathtaking black tight dress that left very little to the imagination. It's only when she was inches away from her, words started to form in her head.

"Kara's doing." She blushed at the way Maggie tilted her head and grinned as if she was expecting it. "I'm just here as her chaperone,"

She smiled looking back at her sister who was dragged to the dance floor by her notorious group of friends. Each one of them holding a plastic red cup, drinking whatever spiked drink they were serving. All her friends; except one. Maggie grinned at the way the Danvers sisters have rekindled ever since her pep talk with Alex.

They were solid sisters since then when she came by their place Alex would actually greet her sometimes, and she made an effort at trying to small talk her when she waited by the door for Kara to appear. Even if those little small talks only lasted minutes they were progress. Gradually, she even started to leave her door open, with the punk-rock music at a minimal level.

"Or designated driver," Alex commented with a wince when she noticed Kara was nearly halfway drunk, and laughing at everything. "Whichever really."

Maggie chuckled, then looked back at Alex. "Well, for a chaperone or designated driver, you look pretty damn gorgeous."

Alex blushed, looking down on the blue dress Kara went through hell to get her to put on. "Also, Kara's idea."

"I bet." Maggie kept a smirk on her face while Alex tried to distract herself with anything. She brushed her hair behind her ear and bit her lip when Maggie slipped her hand over hers.

"Since you're here, and this is maybe a once in a lifetime opportunity. How bout you dance with me?"

"D-dance?" Her eyes almost fell out of their sockets, a stifled nervous chuckle hovering over her voice. "I-I-I don't dance." She denied trying to free her hand from Maggie's.

"Come on, Alex." She tightened her grip on her hand gently, her brown orbs piercing through Alex's hazel ones. "Take a chance. YOLO, as what the kids say."

Alex found herself laughing at that. She shook her head still processing the fact that Maggie had just used the word 'YOLO' in a sentence. By the time it finally sunk in Alex was already dragged to the dance floor.

And, Suddenly she was surrounded by teens her age, or younger; most of which were half drunk and pushy. She stood awkwardly between the seas of people. Maggie couldn't help but laugh at Alex who refused to shake her hips in any way, shape, or form; even as Maggie tried to force her to move, Alex only shook her head and met with multiple people who were pushing her subconsciously to the beat of the music.

At some point, she was pushed a little too brutally and was left falling into Maggie's arms. Her cheeks flared red when she felt Maggie's hands gently hold her waistline. She could've sworn those fingers were magic because never in her life did fingers make her shiver like that.

And just when she thought it couldn't get any better, the moment she lifted her eyes from the ground to catch Maggie’s and whisper an apology; Maggie’s eyes smiled along with her lips as she stared at her.

"I got you," she whispered, and Alex felt her stomach toy with her.

The way Maggie's eyes twinkled, the way they were competing against the shining stars, the way Alex thought the stars didn’t have a chance, the way her eyes left you completely spellbound. It made Alex feel something; she didn’t know what it was, but she knew it was definitely something special.

Alex was completely focused on her eyes that she didn’t even notice the change of music, and how the ruckus of drunken teens was toning down, and all that was left on the dance floor were couplings of adolescence; foreheads against each other slow dancing to the softest melody.

“Just follow me,” She whispered in Alex’s ear when she noticed how her eyes kept gazing at the other people and her steps kept twitching. Alex felt Maggie’s hand rest on her lower back.

“Take my hand,” Alex stared at her free hand, and then at Maggie’s inviting eyes, she hesitantly slipped her hand into hers. Maggie placed her hands around her neck. “Now take a step,”

Alex found herself staring at their feet; she didn’t want to step on Maggie’s feet again. The shorter woman chuckled, and gently lifted her chin back up. “Keep your eyes locked on mine, Danvers.”

“You’re pretty good at this,” Alex spoke softly, the essence of her shyness breaking free.

“My parents were prom King and Queen, I’ve seen multiple home movies with their first dance, and I’ve also watched pretty much every chick flick there is to see, so,” She looked back at Alex with a chuckle. “Yeah, I’m pretty good at this.”

It was in that moment Alex felt the shift. They were no longer acquaintances; they were friends, friends with a tiny spark that flickered, and it only kept flickering as Alex walked her home after she helped carry a drunken Kara to their car.

She offered to drive her home, but Maggie insisted they walked, it meant she could have more time with Alex. This Alex, the one who was constantly firing back and forth in conversation, the one that had buried herself deep within the depths of her existence, the one Alex herself didn’t even know still existed.

“So tell me, how did you and Kara end up as sisters?” she asked, as they walked on the sidewalk.

“A Clash of destinies?”

Maggie nodded. “It must be nice to have a sister, someone to talk to.”

“It is,” Alex quieted down for a few seconds. “Kara tells me you moved here from Blue Springs last year. Isn’t National City pretty far? Why such a big move?” Maggie smiled sadly.

“Umm… I got in a bit of trouble with my parents back home, and I’m now living with my Aunt.”

“Is this punishment?”

“More like,” she looked at Alex. “A coping mechanism. My parents think National City has the solution to my problem.”

“Do you?”

“My problem-,” her steps slowed down. “It’s something you can’t run away from, you have to face it head on, and be brave. My parents as sad as it is, they’re just too scared, so” She breathing, “They run.” She sighed out.

“Oh, Maggie, I’m sorry, I didn’t-,”

“I don’t regret the move,” she smiled, and her steps picked up again. She looked at Alex, her lips not a fraction away from a smile. “I’m happy with the change of scenery, I like it here.”

“Don’t you feel alone though?”

“I’m not.” She touched her elbow as they made their way to her Aunt’s driveway. “I have you,” Alex smiled at her. “And Kara.” Maggie looked back at her house when Alex stopped.

“Thanks for walking me home.” She grinned when Alex whispered out an ‘anytime.’

“See you around, Danvers.”

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“I still remember.”

“Remember what?”

“How it felt.” Alex swallowed thickly. “How her hands,” she touched her hand. “I still remember how soft they were.”

“What happened after the dance, Alex?”

Astra couldn’t risk stopping her streak of stories. She was finally admitting what happened, how it happened. Astra wasn’t going to stop her now, she was going to get as much out of her as she can.

“The school year was coming to an end, everyone was planning what summer job they wanted, or if they were going to attend summer school. Everyone thinking bout their future, but me, and I was the senior.”

* * *

 

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

“Can you believe that Cat Grant walked into our class today?”

Kara grinned as she helped her mom cook, Maggie was seated on the kitchen stool next to Alex who was occupied drawing in her sketch pad, listening quietly to the conversation at hand.

“She made us write bucket lists, with 10 things you wanted to do before you die, and I couldn’t even think of 3.” Kara huffed, jumping onto the kitchen counter.

“I felt like a total dipshit,” She whined, Maggie chuckled, and Alex scoffed.

“Sweetie, I’m sure you have goals to accomplish.”

“Yeah, well the only goal I’m aiming for right now is getting that summer job at CatCo. Can you believe Maggie over here had like 30 things she’d written down?”

“To be fair, I’ve always had a bucket list.” She blushed when Alex stopped sketching and stared at her shocked. Eliza grinned as well looking back at Maggie for a second before she went back to cooking.

“Isn’t that wonderful.” She smiled at her and then raised an eyebrow at Kara. “You know back in my day, Bucket lists were cool.”

“You had a bucket list?” Kara asked surprised. Eliza chuckled, then placed a cover over her pan.

“Everyone did, it was a trend back in the 90’s.”  
“I don’t know how you guys can think of all these things to do before you die, I barely know what I want for breakfast or lunch.”

“If it were up to you, Kara we all know you’d have pod stickers for every meal.” Alex chuckled when her sister gave her a look, she picked up on of the plastic cups that were next to her and took a shot at Alex who dodged the cup.

Alex snickered, and Maggie laughed while Kara pouted as Eliza schooled her on acting childish. Everyone knew it was just old-fashioned sibling revelry, as Maggie’s time progressed around the Danvers household, she noticed that Alex liked to tease Kara a lot. Things played out the other way too sometimes.

“I hope you all know, bucket lists aren’t just things you want to do before you die. They’re more about accomplishing things in your life rather than just living it.”

“What was your number one?” Kara asked her mom, all 3 kids paused what they were doing to listen. Eliza chuckled.

“Like every cliché 19-year-old girl had on their bucket lists.” She smirked when she noticed them all listening intently. “Falling in love.”

“Aww.” Kara drooled, and Maggie smiled as Alex went back to her sketch.

“You know what your number one is, Maggie?”

Alex’s pencil froze hearing Kara’s question, however, she didn’t lift her head of her sketchbook. Maggie noticed that the sounds of pencil scratching paper stopped. She smiled shyly.

“I haven’t figured it out yet.” She admitted, and Kara shrugged. She noticed how quiet Alex had gotten so she turned to face her. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah,” Maggie placed her elbow on the table, and her knuckled hand on her chin. “You know what your number one is?”

Alex swallowed a spectrum before facing Maggie. “Bucket lists are dumb.”

“Why would you think that?”

She shrugged. “No one actually accomplishes any of it, they’re just wishes people make with their eyes open,” Maggie smirked.

“Not if what you were wishing for were little accomplishments, so that one day, when your life ends at least you know you’ve done more than satisfactory.”

That was when Alex had to take a moment and reflect back on her life. How could someone so young, be so wise? How could Maggie know exactly what to say to make her change her mind? Why did she change her mind?

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

 

“Do you still think bucket lists are useless?”

Astra had asked, and she received no response, just a quiet Alex, a heartbroken one. It was a lot to process for her, remembering these moments, for anyone else it must’ve felt like years ago, but for Alex. It felt like it just happened yesterday. The way she described things, it was like she was living in the moment right now.

Her brain kept living in a loophole for a year; she kept replaying these moments in her head for a whole year. It’ll be damn difficult to shake them off, and maybe she never will shake them off.

If she didn’t that would be understandable. The hardest thing in life, other than losing someone, is trying to forget that you lost them.

After a moderate amount of deafening silence, Alex shifted, placing her hand in her pocket, and pulling out two crippled papers. She looked over it before handing it to Astra, who’d taken it after double-checking with Alex.

On the first note:

30) Talk to someone new.  
29) Complete a 1000 puzzle piece.  
28) Camp out under the stars.  
27) Paint fight.  
26) Sing Karaoke.  
25) Get drunk.  
24) Save a puppy.  
23) Attempt a world record.  
22) Learn to fly.  
21) Travel the world.  
20) Spend a day walking barefoot.  
19) Visit an abandoned house at night.   
18) Kiss her.  
17) Make fireworks.  
16) Chalk a driveway.  
15) Confess a secret in a balloon, then let it go.  
14) Go to a concert.  
13) Learn to skateboard.  
12) Sneak into a Zoo and feed the animals.  
11) Skinny dipping.   
10) Say yes to everything for a day.  
9) Make someone I don’t know smile.  
8) Get a job.  
7) Steal without getting caught.  
6) Lay down in the middle of the road, at midnight.   
5) Watch the sun set.  
4) Turn seventeen.  
3) Survive Sophomore year.  
2) Fall in love.  
1)

On the second note:

10) Be everything she needs.  
9) Give her my heart.  
8) Paint her on a wall.  
7) Never leave her.  
6) Love her.  
5) Make her a mix tape.  
4) Learn to dance.   
3) Protect her.  
2) Finish her bucket list.  
1) Find out what her number one is.

“I think you can tell which one is mine, and which one was hers,” Alex whispered after she noticed Astra’s eyes drown in realization. “I’m nothing without her.” She whispered.

“Why did you take so long, Alex?” she asked her desperately. “Why a year after?”

“I finished everything on that list-,”

“But number one is still empty.”

“That’s the problem isn’t it?” She asked rhetorically. “No one tells you what to do you when you finish everything, but number one.”

* * *

 

_In my mind, I’ve done everything there is to do in this world. I’ve been everything I could be. I don’t see the light anymore, I don’t see the good, and frankly, I don’t want to._

_A world without you, that’s hell in disguise. How am I supposed to just function normally? People say these feelings fade, they go away, but what they never tell you is how much it chokes you first._

_They never tell you, that you’ll spend days crying, and holding a lump in your throat, they never tell you that it’s going to be hard, just that it gets easier. They never tell you how damn fucked up it feel, and how you have to hold on to your stomach to keep yourself from crying._

_They don’t say anything because they’re too afraid to say the wrong thing. As if it’ll change anything as if the worst hadn’t already happened._


	3. Secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter, next one should be up in 2-3 days. I feel myself getting out of the block I'm in, and hopefully by the end of this fic, I can get back on track. So, let me know what you think of this, and see you next time ;) Kudos & Comment!

  
_If anyone asks, they don’t know. They don’t know how much I cried that day. How much I lost that day. They don’t know the pain, or the meaning of it. They don’t know because all they see is a silent silhouette, a silent cry. Did you know that those are the worst? The worst type of crying is when you try so hard to not cry at all._

_The funny thing is, that’s not even the cruelest part. The cruelest part is the stage after it, after you’ve cried, and your tears run dry. The worst part is missing you._

_The more I miss you, the more I’m reminded of how much I loved you, the more I’m reminded of how much I lost. So, yeah, missing you is what’s killing me. Loving you; was me blindly taking a sip of your poison._

* * *

**Session 3**

_361 days after._

“How are you?”

“You don’t have to keep asking me that,” Alex replied coldly, and Astra ignored her emotionless exterior.

“I wouldn’t have to ask, if you just admitted how you felt.”

Alex chuckled. “People don’t actually ever mean that question. They ask you how you are, and you say you’re fine but you’re not. It’s just because it’s custom. It’s not out of sympathy, or because they care. They know, that no one actually answers that question truthfully.”

“I care, Alex.”

“No,” she shook her head. “You’re just paid to care.”

As harsh as that insult was, Astra’s had worse. Alex was just reflecting her pain on to her. She was trying to dodge a million bullets at once, she was so scared of admitting how she felt; she’d rather turn the tables on whoever was with her.

“So, you’re saying you don’t care?” She watched as Alex shifted in her seat. “You didn’t care that Vicky died, and you could’ve done something to prevent that?”

Alex swallowed thickly. No, she wasn’t going to break. “You didn’t care, that you hurt Kara by shutting her out?”

“Stop,” she whispered.

“You didn’t care about Maggie?”

“I said shut up!” Alex hissed, standing up, her eyes turning fierce, and her knuckles turning into white fists.

“So you care?” Alex turned her back to Astra; she wrapped her arms around herself.

She looked so small, so weak; her non-existent response only confirmed that she cared. Astra knew she cared, she knew she always cared. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been affected this badly. Caring was a curse sometimes. Alex was one of those few people who were cursed.

She cared too much, and she put on a show to try to illusion herself, to try to make herself believe that she didn’t care, even though that was probably all she did.  
  
“There’s nothing wrong with caring, Alex.” She held onto her jacket even tighter. “And, there’s nothing wrong with crying.”

“I don’t cry.” Alex hushed out.

“That I don’t believe.”

Silence centered the room for a few minutes, not a word uttered, not single sound emitted, nothing but Alex’s loud heartbeats, and shaky breaths, the effects of a silent cry.

“Why did you help Maggie with her bucket list?”

“I didn’t know what I was setting myself up for.

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

It smelt like fried chicken and canned food; the endless mumbling and rushing students around the cafeteria would’ve had any normal human being feel annoyed. Not Alex though.

She sat in the middle of an empty table; with one pack of Cheetos she casually chewed on, her sketchbook, and earplugs in her ears playing ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park. It was as if she was really numb, nothing around her phased her, she was only concentrated on her sketching.

That was until a folded piece of paper got slammed on her sketchbook. She scrunched her eyebrows picking it up, and then looked forward in hopes of finding who it came from.

“Brace yourself, Danvers.” She smirked, and Alex pulled out her earphones. “You’re about to enter Maggie Sawyers world of whirlwind adventures.”

She took a seat in front of Alex, who still looked at her confused, she opened up the piece of paper and on it was around 30 bullet points with short phrases of things she assumed were wishes on her bucket list. She’d noticed how most of the bullet points were empty.

“What is this?”

“Since you’re so inclined that bucket lists are stupid, I’m recruiting you to help me finish the things on my bucket list.” She grinned brightly. “Maybe after you’ve seen first hand how good it feels to accomplish little things, you’ll appreciate them more.”

Alex looked at her disapprovingly; she folded the paper again and slipped it to her side of the table. “That’s not even finished.”

“Does it matter?” She asked with a side smirk on her lips. She pushed the letter back to Alex side, and stared into her eyes. Alex watched her hand, and then focused on the brown chocolate orbs that were digging their way into her skin.

“I dare you.” Her smirk grew, and Alex could’ve sworn she felt her body flinch. “So, Danvers? Got a 1000 puzzle piece lying anywhere?”

  
**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“That was the beginning of something I never saw coming.” Alex softly whispered, her back still facing Astra.

“That list,” Astra stood up, and very slowly made her way to Alex. “Everything on the list you gave me?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“You’ve done them all-,”

“For her.” Her voice turned feeble, her body turned weak. “It was all for her.”

“Except; number 1.” Alex swallowed thickly, and closed her eyes. “Do you know what it is?”

A cold, heartless, lifeless chuckled emitted. “She left before I could even ask.”

“And that angers you?”

Alex turned around frustrated, tears trying to jerk themselves out her eyes, only to be pushed back because of her meaningless denial. “What do you think?” she hissed.

“She was selfish, she left me, she lied to me; a-and everyone’s justifying her actions, everyone’s on her side. Everyone says that she didn’t have a choice-,”

“That’s because she didn’t, Alex.”

“No!” Alex took a step closer to Astra. “She did,” she whispered out.

“She had a choice, she could’ve left me alone, she could’ve let me be, she could’ve never talked to me! She was sick! She knew she was a ticking time bomb.”

Alex rubbed her hands on her face; she looked into Astra’s eyes trying to reflect her pain, screaming silently ‘It’s killing me.’ “I just happened to be the stranger she said ‘Hi’ to.”

“She didn’t have a choice, Alex,” Astra whispered out sadly, she tried to reach for Alex’s shoulder, trying to comfort her, but Alex snatched herself away.

“She didn’t have to make me fall for her. She didn’t have to plant all this faith in me, then just-,”

“Break your heart?”

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

“We’re really doing this?” Alex whispered as she followed Maggie.

They hid behind a bush facing National City’s only Zoo; each one of them carrying a backpack, Alex’s filled with animal foods, and Maggie’s filled with flashlights, Zoo maps, lock picking equipment that Alex thought was funny how she managed to get her hands on.

Maggie smirked, pulling a flashlight out of her backpack. “You’re not chickening out on me now, Danvers.” She faced Alex. “Are you?”

“No.” Alex was quick to deny it; Maggie’s smirk grew larger. Alex shifted, and adjusted the bag on her back. She cleared her throat. “You can call me Alex, you know.”

“Would you rather I call you ‘Al’.” Alex scrunched at the nickname. “How bout ‘Ally’?” Again Alex’s face twisted. “Allykins?”

“Stick with Danvers.” Maggie chuckled, and then aimed the flashlight forward at the Zoo gates.

“Gates’ guard free.” She whispered, then handed Alex the flashlight and pulled out her lock picking tools. She smirked at Alex, and strode to the gate first; A bewildered Alex trailing behind her.

Maggie started picking at the lock, while Alex light the flashlight at any angle Maggie asked her too, her eyes kept flicking all around though, she was absolutely against this idea, but Maggie’s damn pleading eyes, she was such a sucker for them.

She couldn’t say no, this was by far the most scandalous thing they’ve done on her list. They’d managed to check of completing a 1000 puzzle piece in 4 days, going to a concert, learning to skateboard, and watching the sunset.

It was all in the span of a month; Alex could remember every single detail, fixing the puzzle piece was atrocious as it was fun. They’d argued multiple times over where each puzzle piece should go, and they bonded really well too.

The concert was astonishing; seeing Maggie’s smile reach it’s very peek as she sang recklessly to every Bare Naked Ladies song, was earth shattering. It sent butterflies swerving in her stomach; She was fascinated how Maggie knew every lyric of every song.

Learning to Skateboard, well, that left bruises she was sure would never fade, and she didn’t mind it either, because hearing Maggie laugh her ass of was worth it. Maggie had taken a few tumbles of her own too, and the best part about that day was coming home to Kara looking at her sister and her friend laughing till they couldn’t breath; and every time they tried to explain what had happened one of them would start laughing resulting in both of them unable to stop.

Watching the sunset was a lot more peaceful, and Kara had joined them too. It was after they had finished their finals, and a week before Alex’s graduation ceremony. They all sat on the football field bleachers watching the sunset; actually, Kara laid down on the bleachers, while Maggie stood at the very top, and Alex sat down watching her watch the sun settle somewhere beneath the ocean.

It was then when she noticed that all the fuzzy feelings, and butterflies swimming in her stomach were the effects of a crush. She confirmed it when they went home that day and Kara stopped her from entering her room. “About Maggie,” She had started, and Alex urged her to continue. “Do you have feelings for her?” She’d asked.

And maybe for a moment, Alex’s body temperature dropped, and her blood turned ice cold, and flashes of her smile, her laughing, and her calling her Danvers like no one else did; they made their way to the very surface of her mind. She smiled softly, and nodded. “I um, I think maybe I do.”

If ever she thought she needed more confirmation, then this illegal almost convincingly stupid deed they were up to right now proved it to her. Alex wouldn’t have done something like this 2 years ago; she wouldn’t stumble on this act, if she’d never met Maggie Sawyer. But she did, and she was crushing on her so bad.

Eventually, they managed to break in, and as Maggie slipped in through the gates easily, Alex looked around hesitantly.

“Maggie, I don’t think this is a really good idea-,”

“Come on, Danvers.” She whisper-shouted, and held on to her wrist, pulling her in, and once they made it in. She couldn’t help but giggle at how scared the all high and mighty Alex Danvers was.

And in time Alex joined her laughter, and they were off to feeding whatever animal was awake. If they weren’t awake, Maggie would make some weird noise to stir them up. Alex would try to shut her up by covering her lips but Maggie was a damn good resistor, and she dodged Alex’s hand multiple times.

It was only when they saw a strange source of light approach their way did Maggie kept quiet, and drag Alex all the way out of the Zoo. They ran till they reached an abandoned ally way. Maggie had pushed Alex against the wall, behind a large dumpster, she pressed herself against her, and placed a finger on her lips. “Shh.” She whispered.

The only reason Alex didn’t muster up to say anything wasn’t because she asked her to. It was because her heart was beating so loudly, and screaming in helpless agony. Maggie had no clue how she was affecting her. Her heart only beat louder, as she locked herself harder into Alex when the flashlight of the zookeeper passed them.

Once it was gone, they noticed how close they were to each other, how Alex’s breath was hitching, and how Maggie’s heart beat was racing not because she just spent the last 5 minutes running, but because she was only 5 inches away from Alex Danvers’ lips.

“That was close,” Maggie whispered, pulling away slightly from Alex, who swallowed thickly.

“Too close.” Her eyes lingered on soft supple lips, then brown lusty eyes.

However, her face scrunched when she noticed the small red streak of blood slide down Maggie’s nose. Alex completely peeled herself of the wall, and reached for Maggie.

“You’re bleeding,” She whispered as soon as her fingers were an inch away from her face.

Maggie’s eyes grew large, and she rubbed the blood away with the edge of her sleeve. She turned around facing away from Alex. She bit her lip, and cleared her throat whipping away the single tear that was making its way down her cheek; when she heard Alex’s concerned voice ask if she was okay.

“I’m fine.” She said, and her inside voice whispered, ‘If only, you knew.’

“Maggie?”

“I’m fine, it’s normal.” She said more firmly, and grinned turning around to face Alex. She sensed that she was about to question her again so, she held her wrist and pulled her out of the alleyway. “Let’s go get some ice cream.”

She smiled like nothing had just happened, like she wasn’t almost crying, like Alex hadn’t just seen one symptom of her sickness. She managed to make Alex forget about it, she managed to make her think she was fine, but really, for how long could she keep pretending?

* * *

By the time the 4th of July rolled around they managed to check of skinny-dipping, and visiting an abandoned house at midnight; that was 7 things checked off her 30-point bucket list.

Since it was the fourth of July, and the stars were brightest as ever; Alex decided to save a spot for Maggie at the best place she knew they could watch the fireworks from, and it was her house’s rooftop.

She helped pull her up from her bedroom window, and now they sat staring at the stars, and bright fireworks flashing before them. Maggie grinned.

“When did you first think of this?” She asked as Alex grabbed two beer bottles, she sat next to Maggie who smiled at her as she handed her a bottle. “Sitting on the roof?”

Alex chuckled opening the beer bottles. “Back in the day, Kara used to watch a lot of T.V.” She took a sip of her beer, and smiled at Maggie who took a sip of her own beer.

“She used to turn on the volume so high, the whole house would echo with the ID channel.” Maggie scoffed and Alex chuckled shaking her head. “So, one day,”

“I was looking for a quiet place, and I didn’t want to leave home. My window was open, and I just climbed out reaching for the roof. I spent hours up here, just thinking and watching the stars.”

“How romantic,” Maggie smirked, when Alex rolled her eyes and shoved her shoulder.

“It’s my first time watching the fireworks, let alone bringing someone up here.” She smirked at Maggie. “So be nice.”

“So, I’m special?” She asked playfully. Alex warned her, with a playful smirk of her own.

Maggie laughed, and Alex chuckled before she placed her beer bottle aside, pulled out two un-inflated balloons, a pen, and two badly ripped pieces of paper from her pocket. She handed Maggie one balloon and one piece of paper.

“One secret right?” She asked, and Maggie nodded.

In a few seconds both of them managed to scribble something on the small pieces of paper they had, they pushed them in their balloons and inflated them, and they spent a few minutes watching them fly away into a place they’d never recognize.

“Alex?” she whispered softly, Alex was suddenly concerned. Maggie rarely ever called her by her name, and when she did it always meant something serious. “Don’t get mad, but Kara told me about what happened when you were 7.”

Alex’s eyes bawled, and she swallowed thickly. “About Vicky.”

“She shouldn’t have.” Alex hissed, and gulped down half the beer in her hand.

“I asked her to, and I was just wondering if-,” She waited till Alex looked back at her. “If that was the reason you stopped trying to make friends.”

Alex played with the tip of her bottle as Maggie watched her delicately. “It’s just, you’re a great person, Alex,” She whispered. “I mean, you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re talented.”

Alex looked at her; a tear making it’s way down her cheek. Maggie quickly whipped it away before it could hit the floor; she left her hand there, pressing against her cheek.

“The world’s missing too much without you.”

“Maybe, I don’t want the world.” She placed her hand over Maggie’s who smiled sadly.

“Maybe, it wants you?”

“And maybe, I just want you.” She whispered, and Maggie’s heart fluttered.

No, It screamed, and it strangled, and it burst. Alex can’t do that, she can’t fall for her, but…

That was just it, there was no but, and there was no reason why she shouldn’t. No reason why feelings wouldn’t have grown between them. No reason why they shouldn’t go for it, but that was in Alex’s mind.

Maggie had a damn good reason why it shouldn’t, why they shouldn’t go there. Why going there, wouldn’t save Alex like she wanted to, it would break her, and she didn’t want to break her, but what if she never knew?

What if she didn’t have to know? She wouldn’t be lying, she’d be just telling a half-truth. That wouldn’t be so bad right? Maggie could lose any chance she had to be with Alex, if she kept thinking about her very near future, and she didn’t want to loose that opportunity. She didn’t want to lose a chance at being with her.

A chance at getting to know how it’ll feel like to be with Alex. Yet, this was so selfish of her, Alex wouldn’t be able to recover after she learns the truth, a part of her knew that. But…

Again, there was just nothing strong enough to stop her, but maybe it could postpone it, just a little more time.

“Maybe,” Maggie whispered, staring at the floor. “We need just a little more time.”

Alex lifted her chin, and stared into her eyes. “Maybe, I’ll wait a little more.”

Maggie smiled sadly as she felt Alex hold her hand tighter, and smile a smile Maggie had never seen before, and she could only softly whisper to herself, ‘I’m so sorry, Alex.’

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“It’s funny, now that I think about it,” Alex forced her eyes on Astra. “Time was the only thing we didn’t have.”

“What was your secret?”

Alex almost forgot she mentioned that, she almost forgot that, they were just memories now, that all she was saying were nothing but memories. Memories that were killing her slowly, memories that were haunting her, but in some strange way they kept her alive too.

She chuckled heartlessly. “I lied.” She whispered. “I hadn’t written anything on that paper.”

She smiled wickedly at Astra, who looked puzzled; she inched closer to the edge of her chair, and watched Alex.

“Do you know what Maggie could’ve written?”

“I do.”

“What do you think it was?” She watched as Alex played with her fingers. “Her secret?” Alex looked up at Astra.

“It was not a secret, it was a wish.” Alex’s fingers dug into her palms. “She wished she never had cancer.” 

* * *

_And; the secrets that you kept, the secrets that we kept; they were the true cancer; they ate everything good that we had, and they left us with nothing but destruction._

_Every day, for a year, I wondered if all those lies, if all those secrets were worth it? If keeping something like that from me satisfied you? I wondered if you felt bad, or guilty, or anything at all?_

_I still wonder, did you mean to destroy me the way you did? Did you mean to make me feel this way? Were those last weeks with me worth leaving me like this?_


	4. The Truth Comes Out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, grab yourselves a box of tissues, and some comfort food cause I'll have to admit writing out this chapter made me cry, and I'm pretty sure some of you will hate me after this, but writing something like this has given me so much inspiration to go ahead and start with the War AU, which I might be posting after this story. So, Comment & Kudos for quicker updates! :P

_I’ll never know. I’ll never know if you meant to leave me like this, I’ll never know if this was what you envisioned for me, for us. All I have to go on is what you left me with. I have nothing but you’re empty promises. The words you said to me, and the words you never followed._

_The thing is words can be expressive, but actions can be revealing. So much can be realized by mere wordless actions, which have probably occurred everyday._

_At some point, we're all blind. We hide behind fake names, fake stories, little white lies, and sometimes we go beyond little. Sometimes we lie, and that sometimes could be, realistically, all the time. Because lying is a crime that can never be punished, it's a crime everyone commits and gets away with. Even the purest of hearts lie._

_And Maggie; you had the purest heart I knew, but you also had the deepest secrets, the biggest lies, the kind of lies that could destroy anything beautiful. Yet, you still managed to be beautiful even when the truth came out, even when everything should've been destroyed, and obliterated. You had defied the odds once again, and you’d taken refuge in my heart. It was so hard to be angry._

_But I had to be because it wasn't fair. A lie like that, it shouldn't be forgiven, it shouldn't be brushed off like some annoying fly that wouldn't budge of your shoulder. That lie was poison canned in a bottle ready to explode and infect everything around you, and surly it did just that._

* * *

**Session 4**

_362 days after._

“I want to take you somewhere, Alex.”

Astra began; she stood by the edge of the door as Alex pocketed her hands in her jeans, a confused expression seeking shelter on her face. The older woman gestured for her to get up, however Alex never did.

“I’m sure you’re tired of this place.”

“I’m fine.” She shrugged; somehow she sensed that Astra was up to something. Astra stared into her hazel eyes; she could tell Alex was skeptical just by the way she looked at her.

“You don’t trust me, do you?”

“No.” She simply answered with no expression. Astra nodded.

“Alright, then.” She walked up to Alex, and crossed her arms over her chest, she looked down at Alex, who sat with no sign of emotion what so ever. “I’ll make you a deal,”

Alex gazed at her intrigued. “What kind of deal?” Astra smirked.

“If you get off this chair, and let me take you wherever I want with no objections,” She looked into her eyes, and sighed heavily. “You don’t have to be back for any more sessions.”

Alex’s eyeballs enlarged, and her hands escaped her pockets. She eyed Astra heavily with an “are you serious?” look.

“What’s the catch?” She asked because she was certainly convinced that- that wasn’t something she’d just let her do.

Lord knows she tried to escape these sessions for months, but every single time someone had to drag her kicking and screaming, and she was forced to attend a dozen different therapy sessions, group therapies, and what not.

“No, catch. All you have to do is agree to wherever I choose to take you today.”

* * *

Alex didn’t need to think much after that; Astra had her the minute she said no more sessions. That’s why they were parked in Astra’s car in an abandoned back alley, Alex never thought she’d ever visit again especially not after the last time she’d been here.

Astra watched as Alex nearly fidgeted in her seat. This alley they were in, it held two sides of the same story; a happy side, and an ugly dark side, and it started with the graffiti-like image of Maggie drawn on the wall, a scribbled signature of Alex’s name on the far corner.

Alex’s hazel eyes watered to the very brink of tears, she bit her lip deeply, and her nails crushed into her skin. Astra knew this place would completely leave her disheveled; it was probably the second hardest place she had to breathe in.

“Kara told me about this place. Want to tell me about it?” she asked carefully.

“You didn’t say I have to talk, you said I just have to agree to go wherever you take me,” she bitterly said, her eyes still staring ahead. “Can we go now?”

“I’m not moving till you tell me, Alex.”

She chuckled angrily shaking her head. “I knew there was a catch.”

Astra placed her hand against Alex’s crippling fists. “You need to let it out,”

“Stop hiding behind your wall, Alex. It’s never going to get better if you keep hiding.”

“How could you ever think that it could get any better than this?” She faced her furiously. At this point, Astra felt frustrated.

“Because there’s a reason, Alex!” She nearly yelled. “There’s a reason that you didn’t run away after the truth came out, after you knew she was sick.”

Alex swallowed thickly, looking away. The push and pull she was playing at with Astra was frustrating, yes, but it was understandable. It should be difficult, if it weren’t then that would’ve been even more of a concern. So, Astra waited patiently hoping she’ll say anything, but nearly 15 minutes passed with nothing but silence filling the atmosphere.

Eventually, she was convinced Alex wasn’t going to say a word. She sighed out exasperated, she placed her car into drive mode, and that’s when she heard Alex’s soft voice finally appear.

“There was a reason.” She whispered, playing with her fingers. Astra turned her car off, in order to hear her barely hearable tone.

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

Maggie had walked into the drug store first; she went past the few isles that first appeared when you entered the store, and the minute she reached the counter, Alex had walked in, hoodie over her head and a small smirk on her lips as Maggie looked back at her asking for some sort of confirmation to start a distraction.

Alex nodded, and Maggie grinned staring back at the boy standing behind the cash register. He was skinny, and had curly bushy hair, with big black glasses, and a Supergirl comic book in his hands. He screamed geek, and Maggie smirked. She unbuttoned two buttons of her top, and cleared her throat.

“Oh my gosh!” She squealed, and the boy looked at her, his eyes immediately landing on her chest. “Is that the latest Supergirl?”

“Yeah,” He cleared his throat, puffing out his chest, and smirking as if he was some hot shot. “You read comics?”

She bent over the counter, and twinkled her eyes at him. “I’ve read both volumes 1 and 2, and man Supergirl the Bizzariogirl addition was like so cool.”

Alex chuckled watching from the corner of her eye; Maggie was a damn hell good distraction. She managed to pack up around 4 bottles of spray paint as she made the boy behind the cashier drool. She packed them up in her backpack, and slowly slipped out of the store, once she was out, her eyes stared back at Maggie from the store glass window. She gazed at her.

Alex gave her a thumbs up indicating that the deed was done, and she could end the distraction now, which she did so effortlessly, and within seconds she was out the store, giggling her way to Alex.

“That was so freaking fun!” Maggie squealed. “I’ve never stolen anything before!” She grinned, her voice a little too loud. Alex laughed slightly.   
“Shh.” She placed one finger against her lips. Maggie blushed and zip locked her lips, causing Alex to laugh. “You didn’t actually steal anything, I did.” She smirked as they began to walk down the sidewalk.

“Yeah, but I did the hard work.”

“Didn’t look that hard to me. You had the guy drooling within seconds.”

“Oh come on,” She shoved Alex’s shoulder playfully, she laughed. “ Give me a little credit.”

“Okay, fine.” She smiled back at Maggie. “ I admit, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Maggie beamed with a blush, and then snatched Alex’s hand; they ran until she stopped at a certain back alley. She’d mentioned it to Alex before; she had told her that this was a place she came to often when she first got to town. It was her place of solace, her home away from home as she put it.

That’s when Alex decided to officially make it her home, she grinned mischievously at her and told her to “take a seat, and watch the magic happen.” It turns out that- that magic was a full graffiti like figure of her painted with the 4 spray paint cans she’d stolen, no, they’d stolen.

Once the 4th can completely emptied out, and nothing came out no matter how many times she shook it, Alex grinned and sat next to Maggie on the floor. She looked at Alex dreamily, her cheeks flaring red, and her smile a sight that Alex could never get tired of.

“You’re really talented, Alex.” She whispered absentmindedly.

“I’m alright,” she shrugged.

“Why didn’t you enter an art school? I mean, you have the grades and the talent, why didn’t apply for any colleges?” She fiddled with her fingers as Alex tried to come up with something to say.

She honestly didn’t know why she never thought of the future much, she always believed the future was overrated, and she didn’t see much good in it. All her high school experience, she never once thought about college, university, or even assumed what it would be like after graduation while everyone she knew was off at some university, in some different state, in some dorm room, with new roommates, and new lives ahead of them.

However, she stayed here, with no summer job like her sister, no aspiring dreams like Maggie. She just existed, for no purpose, and no reason at all; the only reason she was alive was because she could still breath. And maybe, the only essence of life she felt was with Maggie.

The few times she smiled like she wished for another tomorrow was with Maggie. She made her see the good side of life, and she’ll be damned if she didn’t spend as much time as she could with her. She finally understood what people meant by living freely, with no shadows of the past haunting her, when she was with her.

Maggie was the one person who treated her like she was normal, not like she was a traumatized child that needed to be taken care of very delicately. She treated her like she was ordinary, like she was just another human being, and that made her feel like she was part of the world again, like she was part of life again.

“Honestly,” she started to confess looking into her brown chocolate orbs. “I never thought I’d make it this far in life.” She shrugged. “I guess I’m just not willing to do anything in exchange for something else. If I’m going to peruse art, then I’ll do it because I want to, not because it’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Most people who graduate high school immediately apply for many colleges, and universities not because they want to, it’s because it’s what’s expected from them.” She smiled softly. “I think you noticed by now, I’m not what you call expected.”

Maggie grinned, and shook her head softly. “No, your not.”

A few moments of silence filled the air, and all Maggie could do in those few moments was look into Alex’s eyes, look at her lips, look at her gorgeous face, breathe her in, and swallow thickly.

“Can I ask you something?” she whispered; Alex leaned closer, she smiled softly, and then nodded. “If you knew you were going to die tomorrow,”

She breathed in, slowly mustering the courage to continue her question as Alex stared at her with Hazel eyes that could compel her to do anything she wanted.

“What would you do?” she asked. “Would you tell the ones you loved?”

Alex was taken aback by the question. She had to think it over in her head for a bit until she finally settled for an answer. She scooted closer to Maggie, and leaned a little closer. “No.” she whispered.

Her eyes locked with brown questioning ones, “I wouldn’t want to spend my last day watching the love of my life cry over me.”

Maggie’s breath hitched, and she leaned closer too. Her heart beating in a state that was definitely unhealthy; the way Alex was staring into her eyes it felt like she was going to combust, it felt like she was going to explode right then, right there.

“Was that the answer you were looking for?” Alex whispered her eyes flicked back and forth from her eyes to her lips. Maggie placed her hand on Alex’s cheeks, her orbs taking their time gazing between her hazel spheres.

“It’s more than I was looking for.” She whispered.

And finally; after what felt like an eternity their lips had finally collided. They’d finally let the moment take over, they’d finally given themselves up to the devils in their heads, they’d finally screamed: “Fuck it.” And they’d finally sinned.

Maybe Maggie was wrong to surrender to Alex, maybe it was wrong that her lips felt so soft, and so right as they parted and went back for another kiss over and over, but how could she stop when she was already so god damn addicted.

Maybe Alex was wrong to let her guard down, maybe it was wrong of her to keep pulling her closer, to keep her hands pressed against her cheeks and force her to keep coming back even after oxygen had drifted from both their systems, but how was she supposed to stop when Maggie never asked her to stop.

Maybe it was wrong that they’d reached this stage, but maybe it was also right, maybe it was both.

_**~ End Of Flashback ~** _

* * *

“I didn’t think much of it at the time,” She whispered, staring ahead at the image of Maggie in front of her. “A lot of things made sense after she’d left.”

“What things?”

“She never told me she was sick, not until she had a few months to live.”

“And that makes you angry?”

Alex swallowed thickly; she turned to face Astra a single tear finally falling against her cheek. The only tear she’d let fall after a freaking year, that tear was the only tear that managed to escape her eyes.

“Of course it does.” She hissed.

“Yet, you told her that if you knew you were going to die, you wouldn’t tell the ones you loved.”

“It’s just something you say, like how you say you’re okay when you’re not.”

“And do you do that often?” She asked, making sure to keep her eyes on Alex’s shivering attire. “Say you’re okay when you’re not?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because I think not telling you she was sick, was her way of saying she was okay.”

“But, she wasn’t,” she whispered.

* * *

_**~ Flashback ~** _

It’s been a few days since they’d shared such an earth shattering kiss, and Alex could still feel the butterflies swerve in her stomach, she could still feel her lips, and the after effects of that kiss still lingered. She was still high on her emotions for Maggie, maybe a little too high.

Although, the fact that Maggie had texted her a day after saying she was feeling a little sick, and coming down with the flu. Alex didn’t want to get too desperate and visit her while she was at her weakest, but it’s been a few days and she was convinced that a little company wouldn’t be so bad.

So, she got off her bed, picked up her car keys, drove to the closest flower shop, bought a few roses, and made her way to Maggie’s’ place. All the while a twinkling mirth swimming in her veins, and a bubbly smile plastered on her lips.

Sadly though, that bubbly smile and twinkling mirth didn’t last long. Especially the minute she’d reached Maggie’s place, and instead of her gorgeous smile answering the door when she knocked, a strange figure appeared. She assumed it was her aunt.

“Can I help you?” she’d asked skeptically staring at the flowers in Alex’s hands, then back to her face.

“I- Um,” She lost her voice.

It was the first time she’d actually seen her. Usually, her aunt was always out working. It was one of the reasons she hung out at their place a lot. Her aunt never made her feel like she had someone; she was just a shadowed figure who provided a place for her to sleep in. There was something in her that kept screaming reasons why she shouldn’t like her, why she should hate her, but it wasn’t in her place.

Alex cleared her throat when she crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. “Sorry, I was just looking for Maggie.”

“Are you her friend, or something?” She asked incredulously.

“Or something,” Alex answered holding back a blush, her aunt nodded.

“Well, she’s not here now. She’s at her Chemo session right now. She should be done soon. You can stay here if you’d like till she comes over.”

Her eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. Chemo? Once the word was said, everything else that came after were nothing but mumbles. Her heart pounded in her chest, no; maybe she just heard it wrong. Maybe she was just imagining things.

Alex chuckled nervously, “Ch-Chemo?”

She asked, her hands beginning to shake, and her body beginning to forget what oxygen felt like. Her aunt paused for a second, sensing that something was wrong.

“Chemo as-as in Cancer?” She asked this time, her lips quivered, and the smile that once lingered on her lips, gone, reality sinking in gradually. Her aunt nodded slowly.

“She didn’t tell you?”

Alex couldn’t even reply back, her body froze, her soul just crushed. She stopped breathing, the roses in her hand were severely crumpled, and she swallowed her pride, or what’s left of it, and rushed her way to her car, throwing the roses into a nearby trashcan.

The minute she was in her car, flashes came rushing through her mind, flashes of moments she’d never thought much about, like the one time her nose miraculously started bleeding, or the time she got completely dizzy, and almost fainted, the time she did faint, the way she always talked about how life could end at any minute, the way she sometimes had to pause, and take long deep breaths, the way she started wearing lots of hats.

It all hit her; it all hit her at once. It was so obvious, so god damn clear, how did she not see it? How did she miss it? Her eyes started to cloud with water; she sunk her hands into her hair, yelling at herself “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Over, and over.

She couldn’t stand staying at this place, she started her car and rushed home, a miracle it was that she didn’t cause an accident, even after running many stop signs, and hearing honks that were so loud, they could’ve broken her ear drums. She barely made it home, with tearstains on her cheeks.

As soon as she walked home, Kara saw her tear stained and broken. She rushed to her sister, and inspected her from up to down, her own heart pounding at how weak she looked. Alex ignored her’ ‘Are you okay?’, ‘What happened?’, ‘Is something wrong?’; and she held her hand the minute a specific flash came crossing her mind.

It was the one time Kara sat down with her after she’d came back from an outing with Maggie, while they were taking a break from her bucket list. Kara looked into her sister’s eyes and told her something that at the time didn’t make any sense, but now it did. “Don’t get too attached okay, Alex? You know how relationships can be.” In that moment she thought Kara was just being protective, but now, it made so much sense.   
  
It made so much sense why she always warned her to stay a little distant, to not get too attached, to not develop any feelings. Kara knew, she knew about Maggie. Of course, she knew, she was her friend before she was anything to her.

Alex forced her watery eyes to stare back at Kara, “You knew.” She whispered.

Kara had to bit back her tears, it was finally making sense why Alex looked the way she did. Maggie promised her she wouldn’t tell Alex. She promised her that if she did, she was going to be very gentle, and not mention that she knew. She promised her that if she were even going to tell, she’d call her first. Alex’s eyes bore into her sisters, she held onto Kara’s hand tighter.

“You knew!” She nearly screamed.

Kara had never seen her this angry before, her wrist was burning with pain, but she took it, she deserved it. She looked away from her sister; Alex breathed deeply and let her go. She brushed past her, hitting her shoulder as she walked to the steps.

“Alex,” Kara whispered, but she didn’t even turn back.   
She didn’t even care to turn back. It was only when they both heard the handle of their door brutally open, and Maggie’s voice filter their house.

“Alex!” She had screamed, her voice raspy, and her eye’s completely filled with water.

Alex felt her entire body spasm; she felt her heart pound faster. No, she wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction that it hurt her. Why should she? She completely butchered her heart, and even with all the reasons, she shouldn’t turn around. She did.

Because she had to see for herself, she had to see that she was hurting too, and when she turned around. There she was, a Band-Aid over her right arm, the place where she assumed the needle settled.

“Alex,” She’d said softer this time, as she breathed heavily walking closer to her, and the second she tried to reach for her hand, Alex shifted back.

“I was so stupid,” she whispered. Maggie shook her head, tears fulfilling her eyes.

“No, Alex. You weren’t-,”

“How could you?!” She stared into her eyes, then back at Kara. “Both of you!”

“How the fuck could you keep something like that from me!” Both Kara and Maggie looked away ashamed. “Fucking Cancer, Maggie?” She hissed helplessly.

“I was going to tell you, but I-,”

“When!” she took a step closer to Maggie. “When were you going to fucking tell me?!”

“I-I don’t know.” She whispered shamefully. Alex scoffed heartlessly, she turned around heading for the stairs again, but Maggie held her wrist. Alex snatched her hand away.

“Why?” She asked. “ Why didn’t you tell me?”

Maggie had to swallow the burning lump in her throat before she could answer that question. She waited till Alex turned to face her, the tear on her eye’s, so evident, so real, the pain behind them, so damn cruel.   
  
“Because of this,” She whispered. “Because I didn’t want you looking at me like everyone else did.”

“Like what!”

“Like I’m weak!” Maggie yelled frustrated. “ Like I’m helpless, like I’m nothing but a lost cause! I didn’t want you to think that I was weak, I’m not.”

“How long?”

Maggie knew how long she had, however, she shook her head; she couldn’t admit it to herself, let alone, to Alex, but she didn’t have the luxury to keep it away from her now.

“How long!”

“3 months!” She yelled, and Alex could already feel like she was turning into ash. She shook her head, and took a step closer to Maggie.

“You wanted to look at you differently,” She started staring into her eyes. “Well, I do. You’re not weak,” She swallowed. “You’re a coward.” She hissed and walked away.

Maggie felt her grab a piece of her heart with it, and when she tried to reach for her again, Kara held her back. She held her as she crippled in her arms. Alex needed time, she knew that, but she’ll never un-hear her words, she’ll never be able to take any of this back. She’ll never be able to un-see this, and neither would Alex.

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

 

Alex felt her body burn; she could feel it all over again, the pain, the hurt, and the backstabbing lie; she couldn’t breathe, she was hyperventilating, her heart threatening to stop beating. Out of instincts she immediately opened the car door, ignoring Astra’s calls, She rushed to stand in front her image. The image she painted of her.

All she could feel in that moment was pain, and it wasn’t the pain that hurt the most, it was whom it came from. In a flash, she saw herself hitting against the wall.

“Why! Why did you leave me!” she yelled, feelings she buried so deep rising to the very top. “You could’ve fought harder! You could’ve taken me with you! Why did you leave me?”

Her hand kept hitting against the wall, she kept punching; As if the punching would help her, as if it could take away her pain. She kept hitting and hitting, until she bled. Astra held her hands stopping her from hurting herself. She enveloped her, as they both sunk to the ground. She sobbed in her arms.

She sobbed for the first time in a year. She’d let it out. Astra held her tighter as her cries grew louder, as her shirt began to wet. She kept holding on to Alex, whispering soft hushes, and it’s Okays.

“She left me,” Alex whispered between cries. “She left me alone.”

* * *

_It was finally time for me to let it out; It was finally time for me to break. I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and fixing myself for so long, not caring that I cut myself, not caring that it hurt._

_I kept telling myself that I was fine, that I was okay. When inside I was screaming I’m lost, I’m hurt, and I can’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe for so long, Maggie._

_And it was all because I caught myself falling in love with you. With someone who was a ghost waiting to disappear into the light, and never return._


	5. A Day To Remember.

_ The world spins, and everyone spins with it. Time moves on, and people move on. Yet, I find myself stuck in a world where time is frozen still, and I can't move on. My feet are buried deep within the quick sand, and there's no way out. _

_ Life just keeps moving forward, I see everything, everyone ahead of me. I see you ahead of me, you're running away, and I'm helplessly chasing you trying to keep up, but every time I think I have you, you slip right through my fingers, and I'm back where I started. I'm back without you. _

_ I'm not capable of running anymore, Maggie. I'm not strong enough to keep chasing you, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm breaking, I hate that I'm tumbling down a six-foot mountain, with nothing to break my fall, nothing but gravity assisting it.  _

_ And all I can think about as I crash head first into a world without you, is how imbecilely dull it is without you, and how I miss the colorful winds you blister all over me in that world that once existed with you in the center of it. _

* * *

**Session 5**

_ 364 days after. _

Astra had been in her chair checking the clock for a good 5 minutes. A part of her was expecting this. She expected Alex to not show, after the cluster she was yesterday, she'd understand if she never heard from her again. When you give an opportunity like that, there's no way someone like Alex would turn it down.  Someone whose been trying to unlock a locked door for years, and just scurries off into freedom when you foolishly hand her the key. 

There was no reason Alex would want to come back. Astra knew she was long gone, long done. That's why when a soft knock fiddled with her door, and a red-eyed Alex stood behind it. A hoodie over her head, and it's sleeves pulled over her knuckled finger, Astra had to pinch herself twice. She stood up from her chair instantly, hiding away her shock. 

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"I can't sleep." She admitted in the softest voice she had ever heard before. In the calmest breeze. Alex fiddled with the edges of her sleeves. "I-I feel different."

Her eyes landed on Astra's; a whole set of confusion drifting on her face. She swallowed thickly as Astra waited for the rest of what she had to say. Alex walked in softly taking her seat in front of Astra. She sighed heavily, pulling at her hair then exhaling heavily.

"Lighter." 

One word, that's all she said. Just a word uttered shakily, with a massive sigh as if tons have been lifted of her chest. As if the tears that dared spill yesterday were the tons of weight heaving her chest. It was then Astra noticed her bandaged hands, and her un-usual soft presence swallow her whole. Instead of taking her casual seat in front of Alex, she settled down next to her. 

"Tell me the rest of the story, Alex." She spoke gently, and for once Alex didn't try to resist her, she smiled tragically awakening memories she'd buried so deep within.

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

It's been weeks. The Danvers household had never been drier, it was quiet, too quiet. Alex’s door shut most of the time, and every time Kara mustered up the courage to enter her room, it backfired. All she could see behind that door was a vision of Alex brutally crushing her arm to bits. How could she have kept a secret like that? 

She knew how much she felt for Maggie, yet she said nothing. Was it because she wanted to savior the only request a dying girl asked her for? Or was it because she thought it would spare Alex's heart? She wished she knew why she kept quiet, but the deed was done. She couldn't take it back even if she tried. 

And Maggie only had 2 months to live, Alex had been ignoring the both of them. Kara literally felt like Maggie might as well have died from Alex's complete evacuation from her life, before the cancer could even get her. She was growing weaker, and just later that day, she collapsed during gym class. It finally gave her enough courage to put aside the nasty devilish visions, and open Alex's door.

Behind it was Alex crouched on her floor, piles of papers scattered on the ground, and another pile of crumpled papers overflowing from the trash can. Her clothes black from top to bottom, and her eyes hooked on the sketch she was drawing. The blackness under her eyes taking solid presence, and her body losing its light. She was nothing but a skinny, hurting, broken person.

"Alex?" She tiptoed into her room, and as she expected Alex didn't even flinch. "Alex?" 

Still not a single inch moved, she avoided her, as if she was stone cold. As if Kara was a statue; she started to get furious. Alex frustrated her, and eventually she had enough. She held her wrist, and forced her eyes to dig into hazel ones. 

"Stop! Okay!" Alex scoffed snatching her hand away from Kara. She rolled her eyes at her. "Get yourself together, Alex." She hissed.

"You can stay mad at me all you want, but you can't stay mad at her." She stopped sketching, Kara's harsh tone eating at her. "You're wasting precious time. Time you won't get back no matter how hard you try. Every second, every god damn minute you let pass by with your anger blinding you, is a minute you won't ever get back." 

Kara's blue eyes watered when she noticed how Alex made sure she showed no emotion. How she made sure to be as ice cold as she could be, her exterior nothing but an iced violent figure. Her eyes if watery; her tears still in place. She held them in her eyes. 

"God damn it, Alex!" Kara placed her hands on her sisters’ shoulders shaking her out of this false trans she trapped herself in. "Wake up! Stop acting like you've forgotten everything about her-,"

"I can't forget her!" She yelled, stopping Kara's hands. She stared into her sisters’ ocean blue eyes, seeking, begging, pleading for help; as her heavy tears start to swell in her eyeballs and begin to fall. 

"I wish I could forget her." She swallowed thickly.

"Then stop pretending that you can, and forgive her." Kara tried to reason with her. 

"You don't understand," she shook her head. "I could forgive her. I have it in me to forgive her, and I hate that I do." She looked back into Kara's eyes.

"Because what about me?" She whispered. "What about me?" She frantically pulled at her shirt. "What am I supposed to do, when she's gone? How the fuck am I supposed to be okay? You'll be fine, she'll be okay. She won't have to feel what it's going to be like when the best part of you is gone." 

"When you have nothing left to live for," Alex let her tears fall, and her voice quivered. She curled into a ball, and Kara enveloped her. 

"I think she's feeling it now, Alex." Kara whispered. 

**_~ End of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

“You forgave her didn’t you?” Astra asked.

Even though she knew the answer to her question. It was evidently clear as day on Alex’s face; her face that supported the most tragic smile she’d ever seen in her entire line of work. A stilled teardrop refusing to fall from the corner of her eyes.

“I didn’t have the power not to.”

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

Alex found herself standing in front of Maggie’s house again, her stomach sick to her core. She felt nauseous, she felt guilty. What she’d said, how she’d been acting; Kara was right it was all a waste of time. In the month she’d let pass by, they could’ve spent time together. She could’ve been there for her.

Instead she let her own sorrow get in the way. She let her own self-pity eat her whole, when all the time she’d known Maggie, all she ever did for her was spring her out of her own darkness. She should’ve been thankful for that; she should’ve thanked her for letting someone into her life even when she knew it was going to end so soon.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and knocked on her door gently. Her heart picked up its pace when she noticed the door handle wiggle. Secretly hoping that she answered the door.

Soon enough, behind the door stood a shocked, misty eyed Maggie. Alex had to swallow thickly. Her beauty it struck her again, like it was the first time she’d ever seen her.

Her stomach constricted, when she noticed that Maggie was trying very hard to keep her distance. She didn’t even let go of the door handle. Her normally twinkling chocolate eyes taking their sweet time staring in painful mourning at the woman who nearly killed her soul.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered. She missed her voice. Alex didn’t fail to neglect how her voice quivered, it made her internally slap herself, she couldn’t keep her eyes staring back at Maggie.

She put her hand into her pocket, pulled out a crippled piece of paper, a deep breath exhaled her lips. “I..,” her fingers crushed the paper as she forced her eyes to stare back into hers. She wasn’t going to chicken out now. “I...,”

She forced her eyes to gaze into grieving coffee brown orbs. “I miss you.”

Maggie felt her body shake, she watched her closely in disbelief. The way Alex’s body shook, the way her hands almost tore into the paper in her hands. The way she was trying so hard to stop her own tremble.

Alex wasn’t used to admitting things like that to anyone. In the time she got to know her, she knew Alex was closed off, and that emotions were a tough subject on her. She felt the warmth she was working so hard on filling by herself crawl its way back to her by 3 simple words. She felt the butterflies fill her emptied core.

She wanted to swing her arms around her, pull her into a hug, but it still didn’t excuse the pain, and the torture she’d been putting her through for a month now. It still didn’t give her the right to be greeted with open arms. She hurt her, she hurt Maggie so badly it bruised.  That’s why she strained herself so hard just to not jump into her arms.

She had to let her work a little harder, what she’d said the other day. It was true, she knew it was, but it damaged her. Especially because it came from her. From the person she cared the most of, in the entire world. The person she was most afraid of leaving behind.

Alex knew Maggie wasn’t going to say anything, why would she? She had the right to avoid her like the plague. She deserved it.

“I deserve the silent treatment.” She started. “I wasn’t good to you, I hurt you.”

Maggie was starting to lose her strains on herself.

“But you have to understand where I’m coming from.” She sniffed. “I’m supposed to be the strong one, I’m supposed to be strong enough for the both of us, but I’m not.  _ I’m _ the coward, Maggie. It was never you.”

She let her tears fall. “I’m scared of losing you, I  _ don’t want _ to lose you, and I  _ know _ I will.”

She quickly wiped at her tears, handed Maggie the crippled, crumbled, battered note. She collected herself, she couldn’t admit more. Even if there was so much more buried underneath, she couldn’t admit it. She didn’t want to think about it. She kept wiping at her still falling tears, she turned around, and rushed to leave.

Maggie was quick to open the note. Her eye’s skimmed over the first words. “ _ My bucket list” _ a light gasp escaped her lips.

_ 10) Be everything she needs. _

_ 9) Give her my heart. _

_ 8) Paint her on a wall. _

_ 7) Never leave her. _

_ 6) Love her. _

_ 5) Make her a mix tape. _

_ 4) Learn to dance.  _

_ 3) Protect her. _

_ 2) Finish her bucket list. _

_ 1) Find out what her number one is. _

She read through the 10 points. She never felt anything move her core like that. It was like she was being dragged into a deep never ending dark ocean. Anchors pulling her down. She didn’t even try to save herself, she didn’t even try to breathe. She immediately looked back at Alex who was desperately shoving her car keys in the key hole.

_ “Alex!” _

She wasn’t going to let her walk away; they’ve wasted enough time morning a death that was still not yet to come. She had to stop her from leaving, screw letting her feel the pain she felt. Alex was going to endure something much worse than she will.

The taller girl swallowed her pride, and stared back at Maggie, who instantly started to rush towards her. It took only seconds till Maggie slammed her body against Alex. She let her arms wrap tightly around her. She let herself fall deep into her skinny arms.

Alex felt Maggie’s arms tighten around her, when she felt like she was second guessing herself. When she was convinced this wasn’t real. She thought Maggie would’ve made her fight harder for her, fight more for her.

Instead she let her in, she let her in. Maggie didn’t let just anyone in. The heavy droplets of Maggie’s tears splashed against Alex’s shirt. Her arms finally moved, only to pull Maggie into a distance where she could see her face.

She wiped at her tears, while her eyes bore back and forth between hers. She found herself leaning closer to her lips. It wasn’t a hesitant thing this time. It didn’t need questioning this time. They both knew this is what they both wanted.

As soon as their lips brush on one another, they felt the dewdrops of a hurricane begin to drench their clothes. The rain getting heavier as their kiss began to deepen. Alex’s hands pulling Maggie closer by her small of her waist, and Maggie’s hands wrapped around Alex’s neck pulling her down, just enough so she didn’t have to stand on her tip toes.

“I don’t want to leave,” Maggie whispered as soon as their lips parted. “I don’t want to leave.” She cried. “I don’t want to-,”

Alex shook her head against her forehead. “I wish you didn’t have to.”

**_~ End Of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

Astra watched as Alex closed her eyes, and let the tears flow freely. She knew revisiting a past like that could kill a person’s emotional side. She was proud of Alex for letting herself see what she was slowly starting to let fade out of memory.

“Do you regret going back to her?”

“No.” The reply was instant. “Never.”

“And, yet you still managed to get yourself here.”

“I miss her,” she admitted. She turned her gaze towards Astra. “I miss her laugh; I miss how she hated it. I miss how she always found the positives in a bad situation.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat, took a deep breath. “I  _ can’t stop _ missing her.”

“And what makes you think you have to stop?” Astra leaned closer to Alex who was easily shrinking in her place.

“It hurts.” She whispered. “Missing her hurts.”

“Isn’t it worth it, though?”

Alex thought for a moment, she thought of the good times. She thought of how she was lucky to experience those moments. How lucky she was to have met Maggie when she did. How everything happened exactly at the time it was supposed to happen. She thought,  _ “Was it worth it?” _

“Yes, it was.”

* * *

**_~ Flashback ~_ **

Watching Maggie’s body work so hard just to breathe as it was hooked up to countless machines and wires that sprung from every direction, forced her to work just as hard to breathe. She’d been to one of her chemo sessions before but it was different then. Maggie was sitting upright, and she was goofing around making sweet conversation with Alex as if she didn’t have a needle shoved into her hand.

This time it was different. The Maggie she knew was nowhere to be found, nothing but a lifeless body waiting for the plug to be pulled, waiting for death to snatch her soul away, and make her leave this world. Make her leave Alex.

It was less than 2 months. It had been less than 2 months. It wasn’t enough time. Not nearly enough, they didn’t even get to finish half the things on her bucket list. She didn’t get to turn seventeen, or survive sophomore year, or graduate high school.

There was still two more weeks till sophomore year was over. Still two more weeks till they hit the 2 months’ mark, but everything just kept speeding up. Everything kept moving forward no matter how much Alex begged and prayed for time to slow down.  It ignored her requests and it moved forward.

It moved so fast, that she was the one who stood by Maggie, when she was tired of watching her hair fall and bought a shaving machine. She was the one who had the heart to sit her down near a mirror and shave the rest of her hair off.

She was the one who stood by her when she started needing a cane just to walk, she was the one who stood behind her, pushing her wheelchair when she lost her strength. She was the one who stood by her when she couldn’t even change her clothes without losing her breath.

She was the one who had to watch her cripple and crumble like a piece of paper drained in hot water. She watched her as her appetite began to lose its flavor, and her eyes began to lose its color.

Alex was there for everything, for her good days, for her bad days, for the days she felt like it was time to go, and for the days she was willing to fight to not let go. Alex had been on this ragging roller-coaster, and she promised herself Maggie couldn’t leave this world knowing she didn’t do the one thing most teenagers her age would get to do in a year.

Alex took slow steps as she entered Maggie’s hospital room, her bed brought up to a seated position. Her once luscious hair gone, all that was left was a shiny bold head covered in a red beanie. Her eyes that normally sparkled with joy, stung with the evidence of fresh tears, that fell the minute she caught sight of Alex approaching her slowly.

“I didn’t think you’d come.” She whispered.

Alex’s throat constricted, the rolled paper in her hand felt the hard sting of her fresh tears. She placed a hand on top of Maggie’s, and swallowed with all her might.

“Don’t be scared, okay?”  Maggie did her best to smile.

Alex held her tears back, she shook her head. “We still have two more weeks.”

She knew it wasn’t true, she saw it with her own eyes, and yet she still denied it. She still wouldn’t let the thought sink in. Maggie couldn’t find the strength to hold her tears in. She’d accepted the truth. It still didn’t make her any less worried about Alex.

“Alex-,”

“I got something for you.” She forced a smile. Maggie knew she couldn’t fight her; she knew no matter what she was to say now it’ll all be denied by Alex.

She watched as her shaking hands let lose the ribbon that wrapped around the paper in her hands. She uncurled the paper and showed it to Maggie, who’s eyes watered even heavier when she saw what was written.

_ “ _ **_NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL_ **

_ this certifies that _

**_MARGARITA SAWYER_ **

_ Has satisfactorily completed the necessary requirements of study as prescribed by school administrations and is thereby presented with this _

**_HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA_ **

_ And is entitled to all the rights and privileges retraining thereto _

_ Dated this seventeenth of July _

_ Two thousand and seventeen” _

“How did you-,?”

“I pulled some strings, and convinced the principle to print you a real one.” She smiled. “Congratulations Maggie you survived sophomore year, and graduated high school.”

Alex took out the worn out paper of Maggie’s bucket list, and checked of survive sophomore year. She smiled through her tears, and watched Maggie bite her lip.

“Never change, Alex.” She whispered. “Never change.”

Maggie had to take a sharp intake of breath; Alex slipped her hand into hers. Fresh sets of tears boiling in her hazel eyes. The weight of her heart dangling on the very edge of a cliff. Maggie’s body starting to lose its power.

The machines hooked up to her started beeping. The machines that were supposed to keep her alive failing her with each breath that was getting harder to take. Alex’s hand tightened in Maggie’s. Even as dozens of nurses rushed in, all the sounds of life filtering to a mute except for her slow, shallow breathes that cut through her like knives.

“What’s happening?” Alex whispered, a croak in her throat. Maggie’s eyes were beginning to flutter, tears falling without any power to hold them back. Alex felt her heart almost stop trying to beat. She watched as nurses prepared the electric jolting thing she only saw in movies.

“What’s happening?” she yelled to the doctor that didn’t reply. They were too busy tending to Maggie. Alex felt a weak tug from Maggie’s hands.

“ _ Alex…” _

She could hear it in her voice, she could hear that it was the last thing she’d say. She  _ knew _ it was, but  _ still _ . She  _ still _ held on. She  _ still _ whispered that they had two weeks left, she  _ still  _ wanted to believe they did.

“NO!” she screamed when Maggie’s eyes shut, and her body stopped moving. “NO!!”

Nurses gripped her hands, forcing her hold on Maggie to untangle as they pushed her back. The bile of toxin rising in her throat. She watched in pain as the jolts of electricity didn’t revive her, the loud beep on her machines ringing in her ears. When the last beat of her heart floated across her heart line; Alex felt the nurses hold her tighter.

“Maggie, Don’t go! Don’t leave me!” she screamed. “I love you!” she’d finally said it.

“I love you!!” she said again, but it was too late. Her heart had stopped, her eyes had shut, her breaths had faded. Nothing but tear stains left in the corner of her eyes.

Alex managed to release herself when the doctors had stopped trying. Silently shaking their heads to themselves. Alex crawled her way to Maggie’s lifeless body. She wiped the tears away.

“No, no, no.” she whispered. “ _ Do _ something!!” she yelled at the nurses and doctors whose eyes were staring at the ground. “Do SOMETHING!!”

And still nothing, nothing but pained expressions that gazed back at her. Her shaking hands resting on Maggie’s eyes. She buried her head on her chest. “I love you, Maggie.”

“You need to hear it,” she whispered into her chest. “ _ I _ need to hear it.”

But she never did.

**_~ End of Flashback ~_ **

* * *

 

Astra watched Alex crumbled into herself. She watched her body shake, her eyes glisten red. Her lips quiver to no end. Her body felt as weak as Maggie’s had been during that one fateful day.

“She didn’t hear it.” She’d whispered between choked sobs. “She didn’t hear it.”

Astra wrapped her arms around Alex. She let her fall into her arms, she let her curse, scream, and cry. She let her hate the world because in a moment like this. The world deserved to be hated on. In a moment like this everything felt like the after effects of a bullet wound.

“She didn’t say it.” Alex whispered again.

Basking in the cold, hard, truth. She was too late.

* * *

_ I was too late. You never got to hear it roll of my tongue, you never got to say it back. I never got to hear it. And that thought stung. It stung more than a dozen bees resting on my heart. _

_ In that moment, I hated you. I hated you for making me love you. In that moment; I had lost my everything. _


	6. Saying Goodbye.

**Session 6**

365 days after.

_"There are some things in life that we can't control growing old is one of them and Dying Young is another. The worst that could possibly happen is  these two uncontrollable things colliding, and that's exactly what happened to me. So I decided to take things into my own hands. Some may say it's selfish, some may say it's irrational, and others may beg to differ; but in the end it was my choice, my life, my hands, and my heart that had to suffer watching the only thing that ever really mattered take her last breath and die in my arms._

_How could anyone ever recover from that? How could anyone see light after that? How could anyone believe in mercy? When the one thing that meant everything just disappeared. Faded from reality. Gone; like it never once fulfilled your world._

_Of course I had unfinished business before I could fully detach myself from this world. I had strings pulling me back, people begging me to stay; lying to me; telling me that it was going to be easier. That in time I won't feel a thing, that I'll forget about her, that I'll  move on, and  live my life like she never once existed._

_Except; Maggie Sawyer wasn't someone you could just forget. She wasn't someone you could push to the back of your mind. She wasn't a phase or a fling. She was more than that. She was more than the world deserved. She had it worst than most of us, yet she lived like she had the best. She smiled like she wasn't in pain; like she wasn't hurting._

_And it's in that moment I realized how stupid I was being, how selfish I was thinking, how hurting people was an infinite cycle that never stopped, how that's life._

_Someone hurts you, and you hurt someone else. Why? Because it's comforting to know that you're not the only one who's hurting. Because you don't want to feel like you're alone. Even though you are._

_Even though you've left me Maggie, I can still feel you. Watching me from the starts above, making sure I'm on the right track. Making sure I don't mess up again. And I get it now, I finally figured it out. You wanted to save me. That's what your number one was. You wanted to save me, because you couldn't save yourself._

_I can't promise that I'll ever stop crying about you, but I can promise you this. I promise that I'll live my life to the very fullest. I promise I'll fight till my last breath. I promise I won't stop loving you. I promise I won't forget you._  

_I just need one thing from you."_  

She folded the piece of paper in her hand. She lifted her teary eyes off her grave and stared at Astra seeking any sign of comfort. Astra nodded with tears of her own. Alex had to take one last breath before she stared back at the grave, her grave. She buried her fingers into her palms, turning her knuckles white. She swallowed thickly.  

"Wait for me," she whispered. "Just-" she breathed deeply. "Just be there, when I'm ready to leave this hell, be there for me." 

Alex bent towards her grave and let her fingers feather the engraved letters of her name. Her tears finally falling freely. Her heart finally letting the shattered pieces fall. She's done picking them up, and trying to put it back together.

"I'm sorry." She whispered between her tears. Repeating an apology that was long overdue. She knew Maggie was listening. She was always listening.  

Kara had arrived just a few minutes after her whispered apologies. She arrived just in time to see her sister finally escape her demons and cry for Maggie. Really cry for her. For the woman she loved so deeply it was killing her. She thanked Astra quietly  for her help and bent next to Alex. 

"Alex." She whispered quietly placing her hand on her shoulder. Alex tore her eyes away from her grave and stared into her sisters eyes. She lunched into her arms, and hugged her desperately crying into her arms.  

That's when Kara knew her sister was ready to take life on. She was ready to let go. She was letting her go. She knew that deep down her sister would never love anyone just as much, she knew she'd never be as happy, but she also knew that Alex would do her best. She would try her best to be as happy, to be loved just as much. For Maggie's sake, she knew that Alex was going to live on till it was finally time for their souls to meet again. This time, for infinity. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work deserved a double update. The last two chapters have been sitting on my desktop for over a year unfinished, until today. I've worked hard on it, and I'm proud of what I'd written. To me it's one of my top two fics. I know this last chapter is short. I'd done it intentionally. This chapter wraps everything up. The sixth's session (in case you didn't piece it together ;P) is equivalent to the italics at the beginning and end of every chapter. They were a part of Alex's letter to Maggie. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the fic despite the clenching throats, and tear filled sockets. Please don't forget to comment & Kudos! I have other works in the making, that'll be up in the next couple of months. ;] be sure to check out my other fics too ;)


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